When couples embark on a journey of building a life together, they often bring with them the unspoken rules, values, and expectations shaped by their family systems. The way we approach conflict, express love or even view commitment is deeply influenced by the families we grew up in.

In therapy, I often see couples struggle not because they lack love, but because they view life through different lenses—lenses shaped by their upbringing. One partner may have grown up in a household where emotions were openly discussed, while the other was taught to suppress vulnerability. These differences can lead to frustration, miscommunication, and unmet expectations without awareness.

But here’s the powerful shift: When couples take the time to understand each other’s family influences, they can move from judgment to respect. Instead of trying to change their partner, they can explore building a shared foundation that honors their individual histories while intentionally shaping the values of their marriage or partnership. Differences don’t have to create division; they can invite unity.

Think of it this way: When two people come together, they are not just blending their personalities but also their histories. The way love was modeled in childhood, whether through acts of service, quality time, or words of affirmation shapes how each partner expects to receive and express love in their marriage. Without recognizing these subconscious influences, partners may feel unheard or misunderstood, simply because they are speaking different emotional languages. Acknowledging these influences allows couples to build new traditions and values that align with their shared vision, rather than defaulting to what they inherited.

Understanding family dynamics is not about blaming the past but about empowering your relationship for the future. Book a couples therapy session today If you and your partner want to explore how your family backgrounds impact your relationship and learn ways to strengthen your connection. Together, we can navigate these dynamics and help you build a relationship rooted in understanding, growth, and mutual respect.

Lydia is a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) in Hamilton, Ontario. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Lydia specializes in working with experiences of trauma, anxiety, depression, grief, anger, chronic stress, and life transitions. If she’s not at work, you’ll probably find her at the basketball court her sons. More questions? Reach out here.